Imagine for a moment, you’re eavesdropping on a conversation between Elon Musk and his trusted lieutenant, who is also his super-star engineer. Instead of talking about rockets to Mars or driving cars autonomously, they talk about what it takes to be a productive adult in society.
What is the best way to lead an interesting life?
In his book, The Diamond Age, subtitled “The Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer,” Stephenson dissects the question: what is the best way to lead an interesting life? That question is debated and “how-to” theories are tested, as the story unfolds. As the father of three children, these ideas are deeply important to me as I ponder what success for my own children will be and what role I play in it. Warning: this essay contains spoilers.
Neal Stephenson introduces the concept of the Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer, an interactive, artificially-intelligent book that “imprints” with the reader, a young girl. The Primer notices details from the girl’s life and environment and incorporates those elements into the lessons, stories, and education that the Primer imparts.
I’ll be referencing the arc of the stories of each of the young ladies who receive the Primer featured in The Diamond Age. If you don’t want to learn about what happens to them before reading the book, you might want to stop reading now and head to the last section of this essay.
The Primer gets disseminated to three girls: Nell, Fiona, and Elizabeth — instead of only Elizabeth, as was originally intended. Each girl interacts with the Primer in her own way. The primer has a curriculum with some interactive elements and, eventually, the girls attend finishing school together. Ultimately, we learn how each of the girls turn out as a result of their education.
Trying to map lessons from Stephenson’s work to the lessons I try to pass on to my own children turned out to be more difficult than I originally thought, as I worked out this essay. The essay below is where my thinking took me.
The Basics
Initially, Nell, who first obtains the primer, doesn’t know how to read. The primer starts by teaching her this. I remember the countless hours with my own children spent singing the ABC song, teaching them the sounds of each letter, then making simple words, reading BOB books, reading and re-reading Green Eggs and Ham. I also remember the utter joy I felt when they would read independently. That joy was not without sorrow as I would check in on their comprehension - I could help train a mechanical reader but learning how to think took longer than I planned.
It goes without saying that a science-fiction novel would include discussion of science and technology. The primer presented many challenges that required the reader to learn computing principles. Otherwise, the reader couldn’t advance in the story. In many ways, it reminded me of a video game where you have to beat the boss level to continue. This idea of self-learning is one of the fundamental ideas behind a good education. There’s so much advice out there about information abundance and self-learning. My job as a parent is to guide, persuade, and demand that my children follow their curiosities while developing how-to skills so they can reach the next level, hopefully, all without my help.
The primer also instructs the young ladies in the area of physical fitness and martial arts. This is age old wisdom. One’s mind is part of one’s body. Neglect the body, eventually, the mind will suffer.
Nurture
Nell’s hardscape existence prevented her from being taught by her mostly absent mother. Yet, she was nurtured by a motherly actress who connected with Nell through the interactive parts of the primer. Her beginnings diverge from children’s relative comfort both physical and psychological. Yet, in the other girls, Fiona came from affluence and Elizabeth from extreme wealth.
Fiona received psychological sustenance from her father who performed the interactive parts in the primer. Elizabeth’s interactions with the primer were different “ractors” (i.e. interactive actors) every time, so she could never establish a connection. It seems the book was designed to give the girls another way to be nurtured or perhaps have that nurturing off-shored which, as a parent, saddens me.
In Carol Dweck’s Mindset, there’s an anecdote about how parents respond to their child’s performance on a multi-part math test. During one of the breaks, the parents encourage but also offer tough love, reminding them to work harder, inspiring the open mindset which is another tool in the success toolbox.
Nature
David Sandler, who wrote “You Can’t Teach a Kid to Ride a Bike at a Seminar,” tells a story about a spider and a frog. The spider asks the frog to swim him across the river on the frog's back. The frog replies, “no way, you’ll bite me and I’ll drown.” The spider replies, “If I do that, I”ll drown too.” The frog agrees to take the spider across the river. In the middle of the river, the spider bites the frog. The frog, before drowning cries out, “Why did you do that?” The spider answers, “It’s my nature.”
There are some things that cannot be changed about us. While I write about the Dweck’s open mindset and the idea that we can mold our minds and mold our bodies, there are some things that cannot be changed. Consumption of lead (from old peeling paint) does impair cognitive development. Living in an environment with poor air quality can lead to asthma. These types of issues can be further complicated by negative nurturing where life choices begin a vicious cycle.
Some people are born with natural tendencies and preferences. Minds oriented in a technical direction can tend towards that direction. Stephenson himself is an example of that. His father was an electrical engineer, his grandfather, a physics professor. As an engineering graduate myself and my wife, a computer programmer, I’m now starting to see if our children have inherited that seemingly odd inclination towards numeracy and advanced mathematics. My son and I have battled over many advanced homework sessions. It often led to tears. Yet, after two years of struggle, he’s developed some muscle memory that he can endure short-term failures and those mistakes are simply feedback. They are not permanent.
Gender
Stephenson loves strong female characters. Nell is the heroine of the Diamond Age but in many of his other books feature successful women in many contexts. As a father of two daughters and a resident of the west, where women are starting to receive equal treatment, any example that shows my girls that women can grow up to be smart, powerful and successful is important to me. There are many more examples of successful women today than 20 years ago, and I hope this is a trend that will continue.
This is an equally important idea for my son and the lessons he learns from me about how to treat women. How to understand their goals and needs will make him a better man.
Birth order
Among our three children, I’m the silent observer of the complex social dynamics of birth order. David Sandler has some thoughts about this too. These dynamics are further complicated by gender mix. If we had three girls or three boys, I could eliminate the gender variable. Yet, I wouldn’t trade it for the world - and I’ve heard that men who have sisters become better life partners. I haven’t explored this idea further - maybe another essay down the road.
Even the Brady Bunch made mention of birth order. Jan couldn’t stand being the middle child. The first born monopolizes a parent’s attention at birth and has no competition for attention. The baby is the one who monopolizes attention later. It’s tough being Jan! Birth order dynamics can set up an alternative nurture environment where siblings reinforce certain behaviors and disincentivize others. My youngest daughter considers herself to be her older sister’s peer. My son, the eldest, presents himself as an authority figure sometimes.
These birth order interactions happen in a safe psychological sandbox. They can test being angry, elated, despondent, silent with someone near in age to them. They can observe, respond, and react in real time and build the strong tools they’ll need in the social aspect of their lives. As for the three young ladies from the Diamond Age, both Elizabeth and Fiona were onlies, meaning they had no siblings. Their interactions with others near their age would have been at school. Nell had a brother who provided the majority of Nell’s care as a child. While she loved her brother very much, the sibling dynamic seemed muted and one-sided due to their financial circumstances.
What does success really mean?
Nell became the leader of a nation. I won’t elaborate further about success but I am reminded of a very funny story. A friend was dating a cardiologist. If you are a cardiologist, you’re already in the top 1% in a lot of areas. At a family gathering, she was discussing how impressed she was at his accomplishment until she learned that his twin became an astronaut; an endeavor where less than 1% of 1% succeed . There’s a lesson there — understanding and making peace with different levels of success.
Fiona became a bohemian actress. Her decision undid the years of conditioning and guidance provided by her mother that was supposed to sweep her into proper Victorian society.
Elizabeth rebelled against the system that provided any and every benefit she could ever need. She ended up joining a criminal organization.
As a parent, I can’t fast forward 10 years into my children’s life and piece together a story that explains the impact of choices they made with or without my direction. Stephenson leaves it to the reader to determine who has lived the interesting life and what success means to the reader. What I can do is simply try my best to keep them reading, keep them thinking, and reminding myself (and them) that the definition of success is personal.
What works for me may not work for them and vice versa.